Thanks partly to the lingering effects of “Leave it to Beaver” and “Father Knows Best,” most of us still carry around a sort of fictional ideal family that includes:

• a (female) mom in a pleated skirt, baking goodies
• a (male) dad in a neatly pressed suit, arriving home from the office
• two or three or more children, all respectfully waiting for a greeting from dad and a treat from mom and
• a well-groomed dog, two healthy goldfish and a sweet, fluffy kitty that the friendly firemen occasionally rescue from the old oak tree.

Ah yes. No single parenting. No disabilities. No limited means. Nobody sent off to war. No varying sexual orientations. No only children. And no troubles larger than the occasional mischief (after all, boys will be boys…).

Well, it never was quite like that – and it isn’t now. Let’s say your family doesn’t fit this mold. You aren’t the mom baking cookies or the well-pressed dad, but you are providing parental-type care for children. Our culture is a bit narrow and can be legalistic about certain terminology. Let’s put that aside. If you aren’t one of the biological donors to the child’s person, are you still a parent? If you roll around in a wheelchair, struggle to keep a job, are caring for nieces or grandsons, are you still a parent? Based on the most important meaning of parenting, yes, you are.

Years ago, we developed a list we use for parenting workshops. This list is a job description for the most amazing, frustrating, rewarding, underpaid and cherished job known to humans: parenting. If you’re a central figure in a child’s life and engage in the majority of these tasks, then you’re parenting. Granted, you may not be called “Mom” or “Dad” and your grouping of adults and children may not get nominated for “Poster Family of the Year,” but no worries. The semantics are less important than the safe, caring environment you’re contributing to if you’re doing some of the following parenting jobs.

Care provider: Children need someone to care about them, day in and day out. Someone who checks in, notices moods, listens to long-winded stories and pays attention and shows concern.

Companion: Children need someone to hang with. Of course, you’re not a buddy, but you can play games, watch videos, go shopping, go to sports events or movies, go for rides and have fun together.

Disciplinarian, limit-setter: Children need someone who can lovingly set and hold boundaries and rules. They need predictable, reasonable limits and consequences for breaking rules or exceeding limits. They also need forgiveness for their mistakes.

Economic provider: Children can’t fend for themselves. They need food, shelter, nice-enough clothing and the chance to develop skills and talents. This takes cash and resources.

Educator: Sure, children have teachers, but they learn the most central lessons in life at home, from the adults in their lives who love them.

Other parent-figure supporter: Children need some level of maturity modeled in adult relationships around them. They need to see adults who can agree with each other about important family matters and, when they don’t agree, can work out their differences respectfully.

Playmate: Children play to learn and grow. Play can fill their worlds with delight (and yours, as well).

Protector: Children need someone in their corner. They might be irritating, bossy, know-it-alls. They might act tough and resistant, but underneath, they need an adult to understand and step in when the world is pushing back too hard.

Role model: Children are image-sponges. They can’t help themselves. They will pick up many of your good habits, and many of your bad habits. Maximize the good. Admit – and minimize – the bad.

You Are a Family
Many of you might feel ready to toss this little article in the garbage right now. Your family doesn’t even remotely resemble “Leave it to Beaver,” you feel guilty and overwhelmed just getting the basics taken care of, and you know you can’t cover the job description we just offered. But wait. Here are two suggestions:

First, don’t let others’ judgment matter so much. You are family, just as you are. Remember, Jesus was born to an unmarried teen living in poverty. The Buddha abandoned his wife and child. The Prophet Mohammed had four wives. This is not a value statement about any of these actions or arrangements, but a swift glance over history should reassure us that families come in all forms. Assure your children that you are a family. Assure yourself of the same.

And second, scrounge, substitute and get creative. Children’s needs are a given, but how these needs are met is not. You may have to locate governmental or charitable assistance. You may have to have your child join a club or get a Big Brother or Sister. You may have to involve family and neighbors in limit-setting, protecting and role-modeling. This is even more crucial if you’re parenting from a distance or from prison.

Children can form meaningful attachments to a large number of caring people, and they thrive in all sorts of environments, with all sorts of parental arrangements. No parent is loving, consistent, honesty, steady, playful, engaged, caring, predictable, brave and wise all the time. Parents cannot meet all their children’s needs. As Annie Dillard wrote, “We shine not in spite of our imperfections, but because of them.” Maybe 21st century family values really come down to love, determination, tolerance, forgiveness and tenacity.

By Rita Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D., and John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D.
Rita and John Sommers-Flanagan are both counselor educators at the University of Montana. Their latest book is “Counseling and Psychotherapy Theories in Context and Practice.”

For More Information
Gay Parenting Magazine
www.gayparenting.com

The Center for Children of Incarcerated Parents
www.e-ccip.org

Single Parenting Resource
www.makinglemondade.com

Marine Moms
www.marinemoms.us